Saturday, October 11

Concerning Unspeakable Acts

I just walked out to my balcony. It's cloudy here in Buenos Aires. A dark day. A single bird told me "Poo tee weet." I came back inside.

What on earth…? No, I didn't watch that debacle. We don't get the Big Ten Network here. With minutes left in regulation, I sped through the play-by-play online. Believe me, I think that was enough. Still, we remained on the precipice of avoiding the worst loss in Michigan history. Then that little, brown football icon flipped to Toledo. Then it was game over. The jury reached its verdict. Your football team is terrible.

As much as I was disgusted with people booing the team this season, and as ugly as things have been at times, this is a new low. A loss to Utah was forgiven because it was the first game with new personnel. Notre Dame was bothersome, particularly since the team had every chance to climb back into the game, but fumbled it away. Illinois was explained away with the assumption that the Illini were just that good (incidentally, the gophers may have something to say about that). But this? I can’t possibly express the feelings. I’m not even angry. Just beaten. I was an out-of-stater. I didn’t arrive at Michigan expecting to get caught up in football. But after my second game, a tight loss to Notre Dame, it was a part of me. Now. Now? Again, I'm a beaten fan. And I couldn’t even see the game.

Has any college football fan base been through more torture over the past four seasons? Nebraska? Tennessee? I don't think there's a comparison. Let’s break it down.
  • 2005: the team blunders its way to its worst season since 1984. Fans are tortured by the following: Losses gift-wrapped by Chad Henne to Notre Dame and Wisconsin, losing the Brown Jug to Minnesota by choking at the end of the game in mind-numbing fashion. Tyler Ecker staying in bounds against Ohio State. Tyler Ecker running out of bounds in the Alamo Bowl after being shivved by Sun Belt referees.
  • 2006: the team dominates all opponents in the regular season leading up to the most anticipated Ohio State game in history. The modern patriarch of the program dies the day before the game. Michigan loses a wild affair in heartbreaking fashion, then goes on to the Rose Bowl where USC pounds them.
  • 2007: Appalachian State, Oregon and the Statue of Liberty, Teasing us by winning the rest of the games until Chad Henne’s shoulder and Mike Hart’s ankle, and Ryan Mallett’s ham-hands turn on us. A fleeting, joyous goodbye for Lloyd Carr in the Capitalism Bowl.
  • 2008: Please don’t make me do it.
What have we done to deserve this?

Last Thursday was Yom Kippur, the Jewish day of atonement. I can only fathom that we as a fan base have not done our due diligence in recent years and are therefore falling victim to a vengeful Old Testament God. If that's the case, which number plague was this game, and how much worse is it going to get? Let my people go.

There will be no bowl games this year. There may not be any more victories at all. Somewhere in South Carolina, a very close friend may be considering taking up smoking again. It’s not his fault. Here in Buenos Aires, is it time to switch to soccer? The bird was right. Because what else can you say at a time like this?

Update - others react:
MaizenBrew looks on the bright side
MGoBlog threw things (not like you think)
WLA crack open their history books
Hoover Street Rag quotes Bush. Yeah, the band. I know!
Genuinely Sarcastic is fed up with you people (rightfully so)


Anonymous said...

I repent, may the lord have mercy on our souls.

Conservative Steve said...

Your summed up my frustration very well. We're all in this together.

Anonymous said...

One does not appreciate or experience true joy without having gone through trying times. Its going to feel THAT much better when we finally do win it all (and we will...eventually...before we die...hopefully).

In the mean time... dale, dale, Boca....dale, dale, Bo...!!!!!

Nick Conty said...

Thank you for summing up my four years of undergrad here at the university.

Anonymous said...

You have sinned mightily in the past my friend, mightily

This weekend you come to Penn State as 24 point underdog. Penn State will show as much mercy as the Old Testament God who produced flooding so bad you had to build an arc to escape

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